Friday, September 19, 2014

Mindful Wallpapers

I know, I know, I know. I´m so guilty. You got me. I deeply apologize for being away from this blog for so long. As you may have guessed from my prior posts: I am on a healing journey. The past months have been amazing. Probably not that kind of amazing where you go to Disneyland and get to meet everyone of your favorite characters. Actually quite the opposite. I met all the facets of me that I did not want others to see. Anger, anxiety, depression, fear, frustration, grief, envy, you name it. I wasn´t even able to bear their existence myself. Personally I am BLESSED to be guided through my transition into becoming whole by the wonderful Veronica Krestow. She is an incredible source of presence and wisdom. Do not ask where I would be without her. Stepping into self-nourishment and reaching out for help has been the greatest learning and blessing in 2014.

I can now dive so much deeper into my creative process. Self-sufficiency is great. I have been drawing, painting, sending commissions all over the world, opening up my society6 shop again and so much more. (Right now there´s a happy Ganesha waiting to carry you through autumn and winter in glorious orange colors.) I am becoming WHOLE, learning to accept and welcome every single facet as it shows up. This is something I will dive deeper into in the upcoming blogposts.

To celebrate the returning, I wanted to give new wallpapers to you. If you are following me on instagram and facebook, you know that I have requested quotes to be sent in that I would use for these wallpapers. Community inspiration! Thank you to everyone who participated!

To download the wallpapers, right-click onto the image and select "save target as…"

5 things I am grateful for today:
  • Receiving the most wonderful lunch, that nourished my senses, body and heart!
  • I gifted myself with a Cora Flora album. So wonderful music for healing and creating.
  • Chasing the cats and playing with them in the sunset. Golden light!
  • Getting back into calligraphy and being completely obsessed with it.
  • Going to bed early, sticking to my yoga practise and re-watching Camp Dakota.

Have a wonderful and blissful day!

Sending you love and light,
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Sunday, April 13, 2014

Being Hold Back By The Past (The Distrusting Child In Me)

As a child I have been physically and emotionally abused during kindergarten and elementary school. I have wrote about this more or less often on this blog, more or less openly. While I am going through a major shift and healing process right now, there are old wounds that have been sitting with me for well over 20 years. Everything is calling me to cleanse my soul and heal my heart from what I carry with me.

I don´t really understand what brings kids to beat others up and then laugh at them. I had to run home every day from school, it was only a couple of houses and I prayed that my parents would open the door before they got me. (We had an electric door opener, so my parents never really saw what was happening.) At times when they did not get me, they would pour hot chocolate or whatever remained of their school lunch drinks against our house. They would suddenly knock hard on my window at home and then run for it, just to give me a shock.

And still I would try to SOMEHOW please them. I hate war, I did not understand what was going on and I dearly wanted a friend, somebody I could talk to and rely on. Somebody I could trust and share my feelings with. I hand painted a memory card game and brought it to school for everyone to play with. Which they did, except they used it as dog poo while playing house.

At some point, when this whole thing continued in high school, I shut down. I did not even care anymore that I was the last one to get voted into a group when playing volleyball. I had no understanding as to why this all happened. Maybe it was because I was not cool enough, pretty enough, good enough, whatever… Just not good enough. No matter how hard I tried, I was never good enough to even reach the level of merely being accepted. I decided it was best not to trust anybody and keep an eye on those who were really dangerous, so I could avoid them.

Not trusting others because of something that has happened in the past is keeping me from experiencing joyful moments in the present. The ever so present memory of my childhood (or the story that I have of it in my head) is then projecting itself into the future, generating fear and the thought of not wanting to go through this again. The mind/ego then comes up with the most brilliant solution of them all: How about you keep everyone out of your life? Whether it´s consciously or not does not really make a difference. The result is the same: I get to stay pretty much alone.

Not that I don´t have ANY friends. No man is an island. I have wonderful people around me who will jump up in the middle of the night to help me any time. It´s more about random strangers in the street or new people that I get to meet. In my mind everyone has the potential to be a threat to me. Especially in public transport or when I am running errands. Crowded places. As we know, our thoughts become things, and so I see things that are frightening to me. My focus is on danger, not on beauty. Of all people in a supermarket, I get to be next to those who quarrel, who fight, who are mean to each other and who harass and embarrass others. This fuels my fear and so the vicious circle goes on and on. It is very hard for me to step out of it.

I really don´t want this to go on anymore. I don´t want to be the one who keeps telling the same stories to myself over and over again. "I can´t have close relationships with others because I have been abused by others in my childhood." Why am I holding on to this story of my past? Is this my identity? In the end the only one who gets hurt is me. I am the one who is stuck, repeating the memory without being able to fully experience the present moment.

This is what I am currently working on, trying to free myself of these stories, trying to forgive those who have hurt me, but also keeping an eye on my limits. The way I have learnt to deal with this topic was "Don´t be so sensitive! It´s the past, this is long gone! Come on, get over yourself, duh." Pushing everything down, stuffing emotions somewhere down my guts, so I don´t have to deal with it anymore. That did not work all too well, on the contrary.

Everything comes up now, everything wants to be heard, seen, accepted, loved, revealed and healed. I am at war with myself, somewhere between the one who wants to run away and the one who knows that this needs to be dealt with, even if it´s surely not the most pleasant experience. Running from it and wearing a mask has been my special ability so far, but it only lead me to greater outbursts of emotions, more anxiety, panic attacks and some form of depression. I am so done with running, I have grown very tired.

As much as I am afraid of it, I also grow comfortable with looking at my dark self. The more I am at war with myself, the more I am at war with others. I still have yet to develop a healthy way of letting out dark emotions safely, as the ego also tells me that it is bad to get angry. (Even under controlled circumstances. Louise L. Hay suggest hitting a pillow and I won´t even let myself do this simple thing, because I believe I must not be aggressive and "hurt" the pillow… I kinda need to laugh as I write this, but sadly it´s true…) Anger is an emotion I am not really good at handling, since I consider it to be really bad, as I know what it has done to me in the past. 

The aftermath…Sakura decorations.

I am sorry if I cannot give you some sort of "end result" here, as I am a work in progress, but maybe you find something helpful in it nonetheless. For the moment I find it most beneficial to do things that bring me into the present moment. (Like learning John Butler´s "Spring to Come", it´s hard, but not impossible.) I hope to go through this and take with me as much insight as possible, so I can help others to let the past behind and forgive as well, so that we can shine our own lights and bloom into the now.

I hope you have a wonderful week ahead! Tomorrow we will experience a very powerful full moon! Thank your for sharing this journey with me. I know it can be hard at times, mostly because we can feel very lost, but something within me tells me that I am actually not. (Even if that voice can be very soft at times…) Sending you much love and many blessings!

5 things I am grateful for today:
  • Picking the guitar up after well over 6 months. Still somewhat able to play! YAY!
  • Golden sunlight on the floor while I rest there on a underfloor heating. Bliss!
  • Porridge. Something that I can always eat and never get sick of.
  • Vegan matcha ice-cream. (Even if it´s just a spoon or two…must watch over my tummy, still a bit to go in order to recover, but the ice cream is sooo good!)
  • Fresh bunch of tulips on the table. I have never appreciated flowers as much as I do right now. High vibrations for my heart.

Many many hugs to you!
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Wednesday, April 9, 2014

The License to be Grumpy (I Am A Human Guesthouse)

April is showing off it´s special skills in "crazy weather time". You will probably have seen this already on today´s facebook video that I posted in the morning. I woke up today feeling rather overwhelmed by the weird dreams I had. Normally the feeling goes away after I do some meditation and yoga, but today it would not let go of me. I felt really grumpy.

Basically everything became a trigger to me. I´m not the kind of person to really show my anger, but on the inside, oh boy… did I feel miserable. Everything made me angry. Starting from the weather down to my thoughts and the very fact that I was mad for no specific reason.

Sometimes the ego can get a grip on us in the most unexpected moments. I do not allow myself to be angry and grumpy. But why? Everybody has these days. But oh not me. My subconscious thoughts basically must look like this: "No no, I´m a saint. I am not supposed to get angry. I am on a spiritual path, spiritual people are like Buddha, they sit under a tree and the cannot be offended.
I must never be angry or mad.
And we all know how suppressing feelings works. Fantastic…not. Apart from the fact that somehow I think when being "spiritual" you get to be "better" than everybody else. As if all triggers were supposed to be gone. I´m not allowed to make mistakes and feel bad.

How stupid is that? Why on earth am I not allowed to be human?

It´s hard for me to accept that there are days where things come up for no obvious reason. The feelings just want to be there, taken care of by us like a mother would take care of their crying child. I think it was Leija Turunen´s husband Jordan who said "Feeling is healing."The other thing that comes to mind is Rumi´s poem "The Guesthouse". On some days we have to welcome feelings that are just as valuable as those we consider to be "acceptable". Let´s have compassion for whatever comes up.

The real trouble starts when I identify myself with the feeling rather than taking care of it and listen to it. When I think I need to do something about it. Get rid of the feeling. Must not be angry. Run, run, run. It´s a very old pattern and falling back into it is something that naturally happens while I am in transition. I am still very strict to myself when I don´t feel like I think I should feel.

Rather then running from the feeling, it is a running to the feeling. Be fudging grumpy. 100%. And listen to what it wants to say. In the end, all it wanted was a good nap and some time outside. Not sitting in front of the computer all day. Less work, more play.

Maybe at some point I will start a little google hangout. I feel we have so many new gardeners here, maybe you would be interested in just talking a bit about books, insights and sipping tea?

5 things I am grateful for today:
  • The very patient people around me. Especially today.
  • New canvas and new easel, so I can finally work outside! (Thanks Kathryn for the vocabulary help! Haha!)
  • Suki and Momo crazy time. Cats can be so funny when they go berserk. Always makes me laugh so hard. Little gnomes.
  • Steamed & cooked vegetables seasoned with parsley and dill. Happy tummy!
  • Developing a working daily meditation practise. So incredibly helpful!

Many many hugs to you!
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Sunday, April 6, 2014

Why I Need Sickness To Be Healthy (Plus Vlog)

The recent days have been filled with lots of contemplations about behavioral patterns and subconscious thoughts that I am stuck in. There is a paradox that I have uncovered and it made me laugh out loud, because it really is absurd. I need sickness to actually treat me like I should treat myself when I am healthy. Whenever I get sick, it is easier to say no. It is easier to put things to an end, because I am at my limit and I have to be very careful with my energy.

Sickness is my way into self-love. I get myself some healthy alone-time, I eat nurturing food, I try to get some sleep. The sad thing is that I need to be REALLY sick. Something painful, something that will pull me down so I can´t move. Resting, staying in bed, sleeping… whenever I do things that would be good for my recovery, I have to fight with myself, with my thoughts and feelings of guilt. I see the main reason for this in the fact that I have been raised in a hard-working family. Everyone is self-sufficient, time schedules and working hard is the basis for a safe existence. My parents love their work and they put every minute of the day into realizing and keeping up their dream. I look up to them in that way as I have my own vision to bring into life.

Yet I can remember how in my teenage years, while other kids with "regularly working" parents hung out every day, I helped out and worked. I never had the feeling of being good enough. There was always lots of space to be criticized and there was always another task at hand, waiting to be done. I felt like I never did it things the way they were expected from me. I considered myself to be a lazy bone for wanting to go swimming and lay in the sun instead of working and I never was quite as relaxed when I did. "How can she possibly lie down when there is so much work left to be done?" I could literally hear the thoughts of my parents. I must have come across like a completely ignorant and sluggish teenager for taking time for myself. I felt very guilty. Always.

Don´t get me wrong, I do not blame my parents. To them it surely was existential at the time, I figure. They did the best of their capabilities to raise a family, feed us, offer my brother and me some education. We all can share some good laughs. The only problem is that I have somehow "learned" that if I work and work hard, I am worthy. I get positive validation. Whenever I take time to "do nothing" aka regenerate and nurture myself in whatever form, I am not working. This means that this time is wasted. It is not productive. I am not worthy of having this time.

This is the point when my body decides to get sick. It´s legit to stay in bed and take time to recover when you´re sick, right? Take a good book, be in bed, do nothing. It´s like a safe harbor, nobody can tell you what to do. Nobody can judge you for being sick. It evokes compassion, takes away the pressure. I can be absolutely "useless" and still be lovable. Worthy.

The people who have had "the joy" of living with me will find me in a constant hustle. Mostly even when I am sick. I have been told that it looks like a bizarre mixture between a dance and a battle, like there is always something to be done that will keep me from resting. I don´t have to tell you that I am much more prone to panic attacks and general unease when I am at my limit and won´t give in to my own needs. And to be honest: I have been at my limit for much too long.

As for now I am at a point of my life where I can decide to just go on with everything as it always was, trying to get validation and love from people who just cannot take me the way I am. I can keep hating myself for "not being enough" (enter something like "not efficient enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not good enough" etc.) and slowly let my soul die through trying to be somebody that I am not. I can keep trying to deal with panic attacks and ignore the message that they hold for me. I can try to stay in an environment, attracting people into my life that will attack me and make me feel small and guilty (as I do that to myself anyway, I let others treat me the same way).

Or I can just accept that there will be disappointments when I take off that mask and walk my way. That there will be big changes, but ultimately for the better. I can learn that it is a process and that it takes time to internalize the process of self-love. (Plus learning not to cringe at the word "self-love" every time I say it, read it or write it.) In saying no to certain thoughts and things, I say yes to others. My current focus is on letting go of all doubts that things can get better. Doubts that I am worthy. Doubts that I can change and that I can make a change for others too.

Remember the bunny painting up there? It was my first "enlightened animal painting" that I did. It is very special to me as it marks the starting point of this journey somehow. Funny enough I realized that I started painting these sort of animals from a very young age on. My grandmother used to have many cats and dogs and as time went by, some of them died, which caused a lot of suffering to my grandmother. I thus decided as a child that I would paint her pictures of the lost animals so she would feel better and had a reminder of these beautiful souls. This sort of connection to my art has been around for so much longer than I realized and I cannot help but see a golden thread through all of it. This could be a starting point to getting rid of my worries and doubts. :)

How do you feel about self-love? What do you do to make yourself feel loved? How do you take some time for yourself? I´d love to know! (Gimme inspiration!)

5 things I am thankful for today:
  • My brother staying over for the night. So much laughter and fun!
  • Receiving a cranio-sacral therapy session from my mother and giving her a shiatsu treatment in return. It´s nice to have several methods at hand!
  • Watching Suki and Momo chase each other through the garden. They are like little kids.
  • Being able to listen to my body again when it come to nutrition. Steamed vegetables is all I need right now. Yum!
  • My morning meditation with chamomile tea, rolling around on the floor.

Many hugs!
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