As a child I have been physically and emotionally abused during kindergarten and elementary school. I have wrote about this more or less often on this blog, more or less openly. While I am going through a major shift and healing process right now, there are old wounds that have been sitting with me for well over 20 years. Everything is calling me to cleanse my soul and heal my heart from what I carry with me.
I don´t really understand what brings kids to beat others up and then laugh at them. I had to run home every day from school, it was only a couple of houses and I prayed that my parents would open the door before they got me. (We had an electric door opener, so my parents never really saw what was happening.) At times when they did not get me, they would pour hot chocolate or whatever remained of their school lunch drinks against our house. They would suddenly knock hard on my window at home and then run for it, just to give me a shock.
And still I would try to SOMEHOW please them. I hate war, I did not understand what was going on and I dearly wanted a friend, somebody I could talk to and rely on. Somebody I could trust and share my feelings with. I hand painted a memory card game and brought it to school for everyone to play with. Which they did, except they used it as dog poo while playing house.
At some point, when this whole thing continued in high school, I shut down. I did not even care anymore that I was the last one to get voted into a group when playing volleyball. I had no understanding as to why this all happened. Maybe it was because I was not cool enough, pretty enough, good enough, whatever… Just not good enough. No matter how hard I tried, I was never good enough to even reach the level of merely being accepted. I decided it was best not to trust anybody and keep an eye on those who were really dangerous, so I could avoid them.
Not trusting others because of something that has happened in the past is keeping me from experiencing joyful moments in the present. The ever so present memory of my childhood (or the story that I have of it in my head) is then projecting itself into the future, generating fear and the thought of not wanting to go through this again. The mind/ego then comes up with the most brilliant solution of them all: How about you keep everyone out of your life? Whether it´s consciously or not does not really make a difference. The result is the same: I get to stay pretty much alone.
Not that I don´t have ANY friends. No man is an island. I have wonderful people around me who will jump up in the middle of the night to help me any time. It´s more about random strangers in the street or new people that I get to meet. In my mind everyone has the potential to be a threat to me. Especially in public transport or when I am running errands. Crowded places. As we know, our thoughts become things, and so I see things that are frightening to me. My focus is on danger, not on beauty. Of all people in a supermarket, I get to be next to those who quarrel, who fight, who are mean to each other and who harass and embarrass others. This fuels my fear and so the vicious circle goes on and on. It is very hard for me to step out of it.
I really don´t want this to go on anymore. I don´t want to be the one who keeps telling the same stories to myself over and over again. "I can´t have close relationships with others because I have been abused by others in my childhood." Why am I holding on to this story of my past? Is this my identity? In the end the only one who gets hurt is me. I am the one who is stuck, repeating the memory without being able to fully experience the present moment.
This is what I am currently working on, trying to free myself of these stories, trying to forgive those who have hurt me, but also keeping an eye on my limits. The way I have learnt to deal with this topic was "Don´t be so sensitive! It´s the past, this is long gone! Come on, get over yourself, duh." Pushing everything down, stuffing emotions somewhere down my guts, so I don´t have to deal with it anymore. That did not work all too well, on the contrary.
Everything comes up now, everything wants to be heard, seen, accepted, loved, revealed and healed. I am at war with myself, somewhere between the one who wants to run away and the one who knows that this needs to be dealt with, even if it´s surely not the most pleasant experience. Running from it and wearing a mask has been my special ability so far, but it only lead me to greater outbursts of emotions, more anxiety, panic attacks and some form of depression. I am so done with running, I have grown very tired.
As much as I am afraid of it, I also grow comfortable with looking at my dark self. The more I am at war with myself, the more I am at war with others. I still have yet to develop a healthy way of letting out dark emotions safely, as the ego also tells me that it is bad to get angry. (Even under controlled circumstances. Louise L. Hay suggest hitting a pillow and I won´t even let myself do this simple thing, because I believe I must not be aggressive and "hurt" the pillow… I kinda need to laugh as I write this, but sadly it´s true…) Anger is an emotion I am not really good at handling, since I consider it to be really bad, as I know what it has done to me in the past.
|The aftermath…Sakura decorations.|
I am sorry if I cannot give you some sort of "end result" here, as I am a work in progress, but maybe you find something helpful in it nonetheless. For the moment I find it most beneficial to do things that bring me into the present moment. (Like learning John Butler´s "Spring to Come", it´s hard, but not impossible.) I hope to go through this and take with me as much insight as possible, so I can help others to let the past behind and forgive as well, so that we can shine our own lights and bloom into the now.
I hope you have a wonderful week ahead! Tomorrow we will experience a very powerful full moon! Thank your for sharing this journey with me. I know it can be hard at times, mostly because we can feel very lost, but something within me tells me that I am actually not. (Even if that voice can be very soft at times…) Sending you much love and many blessings!
5 things I am grateful for today:
- Picking the guitar up after well over 6 months. Still somewhat able to play! YAY!
- Golden sunlight on the floor while I rest there on a underfloor heating. Bliss!
- Porridge. Something that I can always eat and never get sick of.
- Vegan matcha ice-cream. (Even if it´s just a spoon or two…must watch over my tummy, still a bit to go in order to recover, but the ice cream is sooo good!)
- Fresh bunch of tulips on the table. I have never appreciated flowers as much as I do right now. High vibrations for my heart.
Many many hugs to you!