Coming to terms with myself was very frightening sometimes. The process of getting there is vulnerable and beautiful, but also involves a lot of unveiling hidden thought patterns and detecting socially imposed actions. Like for example I always thought that if I were a people´s person, I have to be able to be around crowds all the time. Which I am not. Therefore, maybe I´m a loner? But I like to be around people! Just not always.
I discovered that my thinking was (and partly still is) very black and white when it comes to myself. I kept bombarding myself with "I´m this!" or "I´m not this!" thoughts. "I´m so slow!" or "I´m absolutely not a motherly person." When the truth is: Sometimes I am. Sometimes I´m not.
To me it wasn´t so much about where others push me. It´s where I push myself. But the main question should be: Why push anyway? Why not just be? This is where silence is a good teacher. I sat down on my cosy carpet with a cup of hot chocolate and just listened to myself. All of what I thought about myself, all of my thoughts, all of the stories that I created about what I was or should be: They were mere concepts of me.
To get a sense of who I was, I had to put myself into a box. And then I had to break free from it. Which seems brutal because you have to destroy the box and start from scratch.
The result from this feels like opening my eyes from blindness.I´m extremely happy and extremely grateful. I love the people that the universe has brought into my life along the way as well as I love my family and am able to see them from a new perspective. I´m trying to spread some of the happiness with something like illustrations I do on the sidewalk or picking up garbage whenever I see it. (Picking up trash is one of the best ways to make you feel better instantly. Head out, bring a bag along and help nature to relieve some of the itchiness going on there.)
I also realized that it´s not a bad thing to have the need for solitude. It just makes me able to focus and act with integrity; to be able to come back and be my best self. So I can have days like this one. Here´s my little share. Enjoy!
Tomorrow is a new day for everyone.
5 things I am grateful for today:
- Watching the private documentation of Klara Harden, making her way across Iceland alone.
- Cheese and butter popcorn.
- Laughing tears with my brother while watching silly youtube videos. You gotta have one of these days where you delightfully stay inside and do nothing but having fun.
- Falling asleep and waking up to rainy weather.
- Fresh Raw Bakery supply!
Sunshine to you!